It's jiggling...NOT shaking.

        We've learned a lot over the past 8 months; what we REALLY needed to buy vs. what looked pretty and wouldn't be used for more than a year, how long mothers really should be breastfeeding, how to put a bassinet together, etc. But in Infant Care, we got a Very Special Lesson. We talked about how important it is not to shake an infant, and how to safely swaddle and calm a baby. The teacher mentioned that she had a video about soothing babies that she wanted to show us, and that the other couple in the class had already seen, so at the end, we stayed behind to watch.

          I should give the teacher credit at this point, btw, for very openly taking this video with a grain of salt. It was made by a pediatrician who'd worked on techniques to soothe babies, for years, and then went on to make what he clearly meant to be an ode to himself; the man could not have been more obviously in love with the sound of his own voice. Some of what he said was valid (I've heard enough about swaddling at this point, to believe in it), but other stuff, not so much. A big core principle of what he does, surrounds 5 steps you can take to soothe Baby. There's the swaddling, but then there's the soothing. It's the soothing and then the shushing, that I would like to discuss.

      Dr. LoveThyself (so nicknamed for the deep affair he's surely involved in with himself) says you should hold Baby on her side and-his words not mine-jiggle her. This means turning her on her side and doing what looks a lot like shaking to me, only with minimally more support to the neck and shoulders. He clarifies what he's doing in a voice that doesn't at all make me think he's going to demand that I either put the lotion in the basket lest I get the hose again, he says,

"It's not shaking...it's JIGGLING."

     Oh. Well then that makes it so much better. Meanwhile the babies DO quiet down..probably because they've become frozen with fear and/or are plotting their escape. Some still continue to cry though, and for these babies, the good doctor recommends continuing on with something he calls "shushing". This is not as gentle and lullaby-esque as you'd think. It involves loudly making a "SHHHHHHH!!!!!" sound at about the decibel of basketball player sized mosquito, while being super close to Baby's ear, and doing the jiggling. Almost every baby who was at this point still fussing, almost immediately goes still and appears to be "asleep". Smart babies; if it were me, I'd pretend to be asleep too. The video rounds itself out with a few more tips, then testimonials from parents who say it works like a charm, etc etc...probably because from the way the video is edited, the good doctor is in their homes UNTIL IT WORKS, and they'd really really like to eat dinner without him trying to soothe anyone who raises their voice.

       Suffice it to say, I won't be using this method on our Blueberry-yes, we'll rock her, and yes we'll make ACTUAL soothing noises at her, but we won't be doing anything that resembles this "tried and true" method. I think I'll stick with things that won't make me worry that my baby hates me and would love to make her first words "Put me down, you spaz-and for the love of God, why do sound like a white noise machine filled with elicit amphetamines?!"