Guinea Pigs and Partners

       So when you're going to have a baby, you're supposed to take all kinds of parenting classes. Wanting to do the right thing, we signed up for a two part breastfeeding class, a two part infant care class, and a weekly childbirth class.
       Part 1 of breastfeeding was actually pretty informative. I went into it wondering (fearing?) how they were going to teach me to do something I needed an actual baby to actually DO, but ended up learning quite a bit-positions, latching...good stuff. Part 2 will be just as good, I'm sure. Infant Care was incredible, mostly because there was only one other couple in it with us, and they are the nicest, funniest classmates we could have hoped for-THEY GAVE US BANANA BREAD LAST NIGHT. We also watched a hysterical video during Part 1, which I'll touch on later. But anyway. Childbirth class.

...
       Sorry, had a moment of PTSD there for a second. See, I'm not the most touchy-feely person in the world. I hug Josh, I hug Charlie (our dog), and I will hug our little baby, but in general, not a big fan of the touching. As it's happened due to scheduling, I've had to go to Parts 1 & 2 of this class by myself-this would not normally be an issue for me, except for two things.

1) It's actually all couples, which is a little 9th wheel-ish.

2) The teacher talks about massage. A LOT.

       She doesn't just talk about it though-we're supposed to learn how to do it. To each other. Mostly it's Dad doing it for Mom (or whoever Mom's labor coach turns out to be) while she's in labor, but Mom can return the favor as well. I was not fully prepared for this. I walked into Part 1 with my two fluffy pillows in tow, and after some mundane slides and a very floppy looking doll was repeatedly made to wriggle her way through a pelvis (which was attached to nothing, btw-very crime show-esque), the teacher said this:

"Ok everybody...bring your pillows on down here..let's try some massage. You'll (gesturing towards me) be my guinea pig, because you don't have a partner."

 

 

 

 

 Um....I'm sorry, what is that you just said?

 

"No....no no no no no....I am not about to be massaged in front of several coupled randos."

       Ah, but I was. I propped my pillows in the circle, and leaned down into what my yoga teacher called "child's pose" in high school. And then....then our instructor massaged me, while urging the dads in the circle to do the same for their partners. There was giggling, and some sighs of contentment....and there was me-wishing heartily that I wasn't wearing a dress, and hoping fervently that the massage was meant to be a labor coach's version of a one-night stand; quick, intimacy-less, and did I mention quick? Alas, it went on for a while, before we were sent back to sit down, and the class continued. I shrugged it off after I left, and did not think of it a whole lot more, once I'd relayed the story to Josh and my best friend, who as a fellow not overly touchy sort, expressed her sympathies. Then came last week.

       I trekked in with my pillows again, and watched the tail end of a rather mild birthing video. No big deal, I'd seen worse. Then. Ohhh then we were invited once more to the front of the room.

 

"Why don't you (smiling as one might at a deer in headlights) come on up here where everybody can see, since you don't have a partner?"

       Not knowing how to gracefully say "No thanks, I'd rather not feel like I'm in some yoga adult video but thanks so much!", I flopped my pillows and round self in front of everyone one this time, and proceeded to get my hand massaged. With lotion.

"You get a double dose this time!"

      This special treat was because I didn't have a partner, and therefore had no one to massage in turn. So these mostly silent couples watched and massaged their partners, while I got both my hands, lower arms, and neck/shoulders massaged. Good. Lord. No. I sat through it, not even really holding back the face of "Please people...please know that I am not into this." I'll say this much: I was not relaxed, nor will I be requesting any massages in the delivery room! Apparently some Mommies are like that...I am one of them, OH AM I EVER.

       So why am I writing this? Well, it's because tonight I have Part 3 of that class. We're supposed to go on a tour of the labor and delivery area, and I can only hope that it's not policy to do elevator massages, or use a hand holding buddy system in the hallways, or form a circle in order to sway/chant to our babies to get some future good vibes going ahead of time while in the birthing area but one never knows! My advice to any future Mommies out there? Either bring a partner, or prepare to get touched. Maybe if I exaggerate my sneezes tonight, I'll be allowed to simply observe...?